still hurting...

To apologize and reason that “I have not been thinking right” is a convenient and probably acceptable enough excuse for negligible things. But when its one character, intentions, relations are compromised and damaged this reasoning for me is totally irresponsible, low, shameless and empty.


I know we can never please everybody. We can never be friends with everybody. We cannot like and love everybody. There will always be someone we will find unlikeable, unlovable. Someone we cannot stand the sight of, even just the smell of or the mere mention of the name.


But to have spent five years or so together almost every day and just recently find out that you are disliked, dismissed as irrelevant, judged wrongly and unfairly, that all your interactions were mere shows , simply crushed me to depths yet unknown. To this day cruel words uttered about and against me take on a different level of meaning every day, it’s like those words have a life of their own, that every day the hurt deepens and yes every day I find myself struggling so much more.


But what if strength leaves me, what if balance leaves me, what if common sense leaves me? What will become of me if I let this excruciating pain and knowledge consume me? Will it be right to reason “I have not been thinking right “if along my journey I hurt and destroy people who truly care for me? Will I be given time, an ear, an open heart and mind to pour my soul and still be gracious to me?


Many times since I have thought of giving up, and let people run away with their thoughts of me. It feels so worthless giving of oneself only to be taken for a ride. Truly painful when no one feels and responds to your sincerity.


Every day I strive to be normal around people for I do not want to bring them down just because I am… but honestly this is slowly ravaging me away.


Understanding is always present, forgiveness is always available, processing takes time. But it is time I do not want to wait on. Time I do not want to be given. If only in a flicker the in betweens are erased …


Until now I do not know how to feel, how to cope...


I can only pray.